(Material for
this essay comes from the following books: “Love” and “Personhood” both by Dr.
Leo F. Buscaglia and “When All You’ve Ever Wanted Isn’t Enough” by Rabbi
Harold Kushner.)
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(Writer’s note:
I have noticed, over the years, that even though we have OCD, we have other
psychological ills as well.
If we could fix
the OCD, many of us would remain sick. We need to address the entire needs of
patients, not just the OCD.
Many of us lack,
for example, self worth and/or have low self esteem.
Here’s an essay
that I had published on the internet where I am a volunteer contributor. It’s
about loving oneself. The address, by the way, is personal-development.com/ken.
– Ken Munro)
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To Love…….So,
what do we mean “to love.”
Our first
responsibility “to love” is to love ourselves. To discover who we are, our
talents, our weaknesses. Our true being. It is a journey that never ends and is
always under construction. What we are today, we necessarily may not be
tomorrow. We are being molded through our pains, trials and crosses to bear.
But to love
oneself can be misleading. It’s more like accepting oneself. Something that
many people have troubling doing.
Much
if it is due to our upbringing - i.e. family, friends, our environment, etc.
We become by what we live by and learn from. If one is constantly living in an
environment where belittling is the norm, it's hard maintaining confidence and
self worth, let alone establishing these traits.
And we are not
alone.
According to
psychologist Dr. Pauline Clance in her book "The
Imposter Phenomenon, When Success Makes You Feel Like A Fake," suggests
that 70 percent of successful people suffer from the Imposter Phenomenon - a
constant worry that, although admired and respected, they will, some day, be
"found out." They feel that they are failures masquerading as
successes.
Dr. Clance believes that more than half the population suffers from it - at least, from time to time. Boiled down in its simplest form, it says "I don't like myself. I'm not what I should be - and I doubt if I ever will be."
And according to her mail, the late columnist Ann Landers stated there were millions of affluent "failures" and an equal number of "successes" who have nothing in the bank.
Dr. Clance believes that more than half the population suffers from it - at least, from time to time. Boiled down in its simplest form, it says "I don't like myself. I'm not what I should be - and I doubt if I ever will be."
And according to her mail, the late columnist Ann Landers stated there were millions of affluent "failures" and an equal number of "successes" who have nothing in the bank.
Then, how do we
learn to accept ourselves?
We must realize
that most people do not have it together. Canadian religion author Tom Harpur
claims that we are all weak and the fact by being human we are all vulnerable.
And he suggests that the way in which we conquer our weaknesses is to confront
them directly. This is the first step in spiritual and moral growth.
We sometimes feel that we don’t measure up to God’s standards. But religion should liberate us. It’s man’s distortion of faith that has hurt us.
We sometimes feel that we don’t measure up to God’s standards. But religion should liberate us. It’s man’s distortion of faith that has hurt us.
In Judaism, a
person is created in the image of God. Therefore, man is not sinful in nature
but good. And religion does not demand of us to be perfect. It allows us to be
human. In the Old Testament, Ecclesiastes 7:15 - 17, we read that we should be
neither too good nor wicked.
And according to
the Talmud, a book of wisdom which is part of the Jewish faith states: “At
Judgment Day, every man will have to give account for everything which he might
have enjoyed and did not.” The problem arises when these good things are taken
to extreme, becoming addictive. But that is our fault, not God’s.
Even
in the Christian faith, we are accepted. Nothing can separate us from the love
of God. (Romans 8: 38 – 39)
Our second
responsibility “to love” is to love all men. Dr. Leo Buscaglia in his book
“Love” writes: “man shall love others to the extent he loves himself.
And we cannot
love others unless we have faith. Writes Erich Fromm: “Love is an act of faith and whoever is of
little faith, is also of little love.”
Dr. Buscaglia
adds: “there are those who believe anything less than love of all men is not
love at all. They argue that who does not love all men sincerely cannot love
even a single person deeply since all men are one.”
To love someone,
we must have the ultimate concern for that person addressing his needs, his
hurts. It goes beyond just mere “lip” service of speaking words of
encouragement. To love someone means to get actively involved in the person’s
welfare. We help him become the person that he was meant to be by humbling
ourselves and being of service. Taoism interpretation of the Golden Rule sums
it up best: “Treat your neighbor’s loss as your loss and your neighbor’s gain
as your gain.”
Sadly, to love
is rarely practiced and so desperately needed.
We can start by
trying to have a better understanding of one’s suffering, empathizing with his
pain, walking in his shoes. Just by listening with a sympathetic ear and a
compassionate heart can have a great healing effect.
If we have
ministered to his needs and are the only ones benefitting, we have failed. We
probably have done more harm than help him.
And “to love” is
difficult. At the heart of loving is vulnerability. We have to risk. We have to
take a chance. It means showing our vulnerable side. It also opens us to
criticism. And that can be scary. People may take advantage of us. It means
stepping out of our “comfort zone.” But this can be done without people walking
all over us – by not giving up our self respect.
And what we call
loving by some is often more about control. It is often based on fear such as
the religious zealots who want to control us with their value systems. Or those
who want to push their views down our throats by playing “rescuer.” They give
us what they think we need, because it has worked for them, not what we
actually need. One man’s medicine is another man’s poison.
As Thomas Merton
wrote:”the beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves
and not twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection
of ourselves we find in them.”
We have a duty
to love. Dr. Leo Buscaglia writes: “man has no choice but to love. For when he
does not, he finds his alternatives lie in loneliness, destruction and
despair.”
So many
tragedies are caused by peoples’ insecurities, fears, low self esteem,
loneliness, etc. I’m amazed how many of these tragedies that could have been
avoided if someone had reached out and practiced genuine love.
A church marquee
sums it up: Love fails only when we fail to love.
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